Emma...

I felt disoriented after Anna left. I only returned to Thailand to be with her. All my plans involved being with her. Once she was gone, it was as if I had no direction - no anchoring point. I sailed the Bangkok high seas, I staggered around the Sukumvit, into the bar out of the bar, then I set sail for somewhere else. Neil assured me by text that Koh Samet was a cool little island. A mini bus ride and a speed boat later, I was on the most family oriented, couples only island in all of Thailand. I felt like such a heel - being there on that stupid island all alone 'table for one.' I was a jerk. I made up my mind I was done being a jerk, so the next morning I got back on a boat and got off that island, then I caught a mini bus to Pattaya - the city that pussy and beer built. Pattaya started out as one whorehouse bar on the beach during the Vietnam war. Now it's the size of a small American city - let's say Stockton or Vallejo and it's nothing but bars and whores, so that was where I was going...

The mini bus driver assured me he had just the hotel for me - he wanted to take me there and I could see for myself - since I had to piss like a racehorse I didn't bother to argue with him. I checked in to the little dump and took a nap. When I woke up a few hours later, I felt stoned with sleep. I could hardly form thoughts and I couldn't decide what to do with myself. I walked outside the hotel. There was a gogo bar across the street, a woman was sitting out front with a sign that read Draft Beer 50 Baht. So that's what I ended up doing. I got up off of the curb I was sitting on, crossed the street, and walked in. The bar was wrapped in darkness. There was a couple fat old ladies behind the bar, keeping the beer cold. There was a stage in the center of the bar and two half naked whores took turns dancing to American classic rock. One of them was gorgeous, the other was not. The former approached me immediately and introduced herself, shortly there after she told me that we could go upstairs for sex and it would only set me back 1000 Baht (about $30). At first, I thought I must have heard her wrong, but she stood there smiling at me with her arm around me, shaking her head yes and saying "one thousand Baht." She had a body that could shame a coke bottle. She was tall for a Thai. Her Black stiletto heels and long black hair framed out a golden stripper's figure. She was all legs and hips with a baby girl face. Her baby fat cheeks silhouetted her fresh pink lips and perfect white teeth - the million dollar smile we're all looking for...

Emma and I would talk for a few minutes, then she would go back up on stage, strip naked and dance for a song or two, then she would return to me. She was so gorgeous and totally personable. Friendly in almost a cartoonish Disney sort of way. She was also a total whore. What little clothes she was wearing were velcroed onto her body. Every now and then, her velcro miniskirt would just pop off and fall on the floor. She would just stand there in the bar butt-ass naked, then she would get around to realizing her skirt had fallen off again. She would reach down, pick it up, put it back on, and we would resume our conversation. She was such a whore it was hilarious - almost like some kind of new x rated comedy. She seemed to possess within her psyche, absolutely none of the western tenants of dignity, shame, or ego. She was absolutely different from everything and everyone I had ever known. Emma had a one year old son, and had been a prostitute for 6 months - I can't count how many times I've heard that same story. The father is always long gone, and didn't ever see the baby or send any money either.

The only thing Emma seemed to have more enthusiasm for - other than being a prostitute - was being a mother. Her whole face would light up with bright flashing lights when she talked about her son. I'd imagine she enjoyed being a whore so much because it gave her the opportunity to provide for her family. For her mother, who watched the baby while she was at work - dancing naked and turning tricks - and for her son, whom she spent every moment with when she wasn't working. She seemed to love life and her family, but especially her boy. I didn't have any cash on me. I told Emma that I would have to go to the ATM. "I keep until you get back" she said to me, picking my sunglasses up off of the bar. That was funny for so many reasons, but mostly just for two: Number one - I can't go outside (walk to the ATM) without my sunglasses. Number two - who the fuck in their right mind would ever not come back from the ATM for Emma? She was pretty much finer than Anna, except for the fact that she had some slight stretch marks on her tummy, and her titties looked a little chewed on from the baby...other than that, she was a Hollywood dime...


I went to the ATM and got the cash. Then I went to the corner store and bought condoms, mouthwash, and a small bottle of mineral oil - because I can never finish with a hooker - the mineral oil was so Emma could jerk me off for a happy ending. It was at that moment that I realized I was becoming a little too familiar with this lifestyle, I was turning into someone else. I wasn't sure of who that person was just yet...
I walked out of the afternoon sun and back into the dark bar. Emma was waiting for me with her perfect pink smile. Creedence Clearwater Revival was playing. The classic rock was rocking out. Emma was like Van Morrisons' Brown Eyed Girl. If she wasn't a 20 year old  southeast Asian prostitute in 2012, she would easily be in a van down by the river giving up the free love for a hit of acid or a lid of some Mexican brown back in 1970-something... That 'cats in the craddle' song came on, the one that always comes on when your drunk in a bar with no windows in the afternoon. That's the song where the guy is talking about having absolutely no relationship with his father. Emma took me by the hand and led me upstairs. I felt sad to leave the bar and all that classic rock behind. "And the cats in the cradle with the silver spoon, little bo peep and the man on the moon..."

When we got to the top of the stairs, I noticed Emma had switched out her high heels for a pair of flip-flops. That just wasn't going to do it for me. I payed for a high heeled Emma, not a flip-flopped Emma. I asked her to go back down stairs and get her heels. "Because I need you to wear, in bed..." I tried to explain to her my needs, with her limited English and my limited Thai. She went back down stairs and returned with the high heels in hand. She sat down on the bed and began to put them back on. I watched her lace the ankle straps onto her long golden legs. She was so beautiful, I wished I could just watch her forever. Then she took off her panties stretched her herself out on the bed and said to me "eat pussy mai?"

There were two mirrors above the bed: one on the left side of the bed, running the length of the mattress, and another above the headboard, running the width of the bed. The two mirrors together created a cinema effect of 'camera left and camera right' a staple of basic cinematography. as Emma and I crashed into each other, I couldn't help but notice what an awesome movie we were making. There we were together on a beat up old mattress bashing it out, and we had only met twenty minutes ago. Her perfect youth, my old age and tattoos. The movie, it's graphic and beautiful all at the same time. I licked her ear, she made those song bird sounds that the Thai girls make when they are pleased. She got on top of  me and bounced. I flipped her over, put her on her stomach and watched the movie some more. I got tired, she got tired. I gave her the mineral oil. She took it and worked me over, sitting on the floor between my legs while I sat on the bed. I wanted to kiss her. She was wearing her hair tied up on the top of her head, like a Buddha statue. I felt some concern when I noticed that she was wearing a Buddhist amulet around her neck - I didn't want to get cum on it - I had gone back to my hotel to drop off my Virgin of Guadalupe gold chain and medallion before returning to the bar. There was a rush, like someone just turned on the A/C. Emma kept pulling on me. Afterwards, I looked down at her. Her eyes were mostly closed, but slightly open. It appeared as if her eye balls had rolled into the back of her head, and she had a stoic expression on her face, as if she were in a state of deep meditation...

Fantasy Island...

Well I made it back to the BKK. I wish I could tell you that I'm on an island in the south of Thailand with my lovely little Anna, but nope, apparently that's someone elses life. I did see her for a night or two right after I came back: she showed up down on the Sukumvit with her roommate Pen. I used to always see her roommate in the background when I would talk to Anna on Skype. She was always in various stages of getting out of the shower, and getting ready to go and meet some man - so I guess she's a prostitute too, no wonder they are roommates. Pen would always ask me if I had any single friends in Bangkok, and I would always say 'yes', but what I really meant is I have a friend who is married with a kid in the Bangers, but he's a dog and doesn't care - anyhow back to the Sukumvit.
Anna and Pen showed up down on there and as luck would have it, I was at the bar with Neil - my dog friend.

Anna looked liked a race car in a red dress, she was wearing matching red high heels as well. I walked down the street and met her there on the dirty blackened cracked side walks that are Bangkok - a life lived in the steam and the stench - so much beauty down here. I escorted Anna and Pen back to the bar to meet Neil. Neil and I agreed prior to all of this that he wouldn't let it be known that he's lived in Thailand for seven years, so the girls felt safe to ramble on in Thai as if no one was listening. Anna and I kept staring at each other and kissing occasionally. "Fire!" Pen exclaimed while she looked on at us. I guess the sparks were flying, I can hardly remember, it was my first time drinking after four months of Sharia law and the liquor was hitting me hard already.

We hopped into a free taxi to a night club not far a way, we were ushered to the front of the line. My Bangkok instincts could sense a scam coming: a 2500 Baht bottle of Johnny Walker Red Label (the small one). Anna seemed unhappy I didn't spring for the Black Label for 3000 Bt. Things started to get blurry, I asked Anna how she could "afford to drink here every night" like she would always tell me she did over Skype when I was in Saudi. "We just make the farangs pay" she replied. She always edited that part out of the story, showing me pictures of her 'girls night out' as if she wasn't a total whore constantly using men for everything. The night club was a dump, with the bottle prices I figured it would be better, but it was a parking garage party with rooftop bar prices. The dejay sucked, the lights sucked, there were a bunch of regular people up on what used to be a go go bar stage. Anna looked so happy to be in her little dump, and I was so happy to be with my little Anna...

I woke up back at my hotel. There were two bottles of orange juice and an unopened box of condoms on the nightstand. Anna was in my bed, her red dress and high heels were on the floor. She was so beautiful. Her honey colored eyes and skin. I couldn't remember if we had sex or not. Eventually she asked me "why you fuck me with no condom?" "Because I love you" was my immediate response. We both sat there quietly wondering if that would be enough to keep the germs away. "Do you love me Anna?" "No" she replied, "just like a lot..." "You know what I do, what do you want me to say?" She asked.

We lay in bed together all day nursing hangovers and watching t.v. I bought her a new outfit off the street: a leopard print black and white mini and a black lace top - her red race car dress was remarkably impractical in the light of day. We ate sushi and talked about our families - she has one, I don't. We went back to bed and woke up. She went out and bought papaya yom guung - extra spicy. We spent the rest of the day headed back and forth to the toilet. She laughed every time one of us had to go. She asked me about my ethnicity.  "You are Mex-E-Can? Mexico?!" "I'm American, but half my grandparents were from Mexico, once upon a time, yes." She laughed, what was so funny..? Her knowledge of Mexican food and Spanish suggested a Hispanic customer in her past.

Her occupation came up. I told her I could get her a job in America as a stripper making 3 million Baht a year - "no sex, just dancing." She became enraged "if the job so good, why don't you do it? You go fuck culo, I think you do before!" She calmed down... "maybe I will do someday, but who will take care of my family?" That's the remarkable thing about Thai girls: when they become prostitutes, it's only out of loyal service to their families. That's why a Thai girl will gladly sell pussy in Bangkok for $10,000 a year and completely scoff at the offer to make $100,000 a year on the other side of the planet - they can't see their families from the other side of the world, and ultimately it's all about the family and not about the money at all. We went out that night to see the new Batman movie. It was awful. I wanted to shoot myself for having to watch it. It seemed like the perfect movie to get shot at - that had just happened in America the week before. Anna fed me popcorn and smiled at me. She reminded me of some one. I could tell that she thought I was weak. She knew I loved her. She was playing with me, like you play with a brand new puppy. She was having fun with her new pet.

The next morning, Anna left for Isaan. She had to go to her mother's house - her grandmother was sick. Before she left I gave her some presents: a stuffed animal mouse from 'Tom & Jerry' fame, and a bottle of Johnny Walker Gold Label - the perfect gifts for a girl burning out the last vestiges of her childhood, all the while drinking hard to cope with the realities of her new career. She was only 19, working the hardcore whorehouses of Bangkok. She asked me to wait for her, she would be back in three days and we would go to the islands together - make the fantasy a reality - I waited four or five. Then I left myself, and I never saw Anna ever again...

 

I Was A Stripclub D.J. (The Darkness...)

We all lived in the darkness back then. It was my homeboy Santino first. After Santino, it was Jose, and then me. We all left our former lives, for a life that would be lived in the darkness... We all had bullshit lives that we hated so much, so when we saw the ad in the paper, or somebody told us about it, or we read about it online... nothing was going to stop us from getting a better life, we were semi-young American kids chasing a dream, and the train stopped there - so fuck everybody that didn't think we belonged there...

I was working at UPS at the time - it was the most miserable job I ever had: 4:00am to 8:00am. The graveyard of graveyard shifts, for barely $10 an hour - in San Francisco, one of the most expensive cities in the world - So when I saw the ad in the paper that Deja Vu was accepting applications at all of their 11 or 12 stripclubs in the city, I made up my mind right then and there: I was gonna leave UPS once and for all. I was gonna be a stripclub dejay. I went to the 'convention,' if you will - there were representatives from every club in the city. I passed out a few resumes. Since I actually had no experience as a stripclub dejay, I just typed a brief confessional at the top of the page that said something like "look, I have years of experience on turntables and microphones, I've never actually worked in a strip club before, but I am sure that with my background I can learn fast and adapt well. I work at UPS right now and I hate it. Please give me a chance." Someone called about 3 weeks later. I had a 'sound check' in the dejay booth and they liked my voice. So began my career as a stripclub dejay.

Overnight, I went from hustling packages onto conveyor belts with the boss always breathing down my neck, to sitting on my ass in the dejay booth with a bottle of champagne on ice while calling out the next girl to the stage. It was a cakewalk. I was surrounded by pussy and money. Who goes to work and gets to look at beautiful naked women and listen to music all day? Me. That's who. But there were certain problems with the job. For instance, the girls were mostly backstabbing sharks. They loved to request certain kinds of music for their sets, or even specific songs, but they didn't like to tip too much. A few of them even ratted on me for asking for a tip. But I never asked a dancer for a tip unless she asked me for music first. One time a girl asked me for a specific set, I played it for her, she went up on stage and made over $100 in 9 minutes and then tipped me 5 bucks. They were just so damned cheap. They all had "boyfriends" they needed to pay - their pimps who put them to work in the club in the first place. The stripclub was one of those fully nude no alcohol type of clubs. There were a series of rooms in the back with fully closing curtains where 'anything' went. I would see used condoms in the toilet all the time. A girl who did 'extras' would typically make about 200k a year, and tip less than 1%.

The other problem with the job was the perpetual darkness. I would wake up and go to work at 1:00pm and get off at 9:00pm. Stripclubs are meant to be dark and lit with blacklights. So for about a year I almost never saw the sun. A problem compounded by the fact that I already spent the year prior at UPS never seeing the sun. After a while, it didn't matter at all that I could drink on the job and sit on my ass all day. After a while, the gorgeous naked women with their high heels and breast implants just became nauseating. I felt like I despised all of them. They were all so ugly inside. I couldn't have cared less for any one of the no tipping money grubbing whores. It was during that time that I really loved my girlfriend: A short, chubby hairstylist who couldn't walk a stage in high heels if she tried. The job was making me crazy, the job was making her crazy. My managers were talking about promoting me to the weekend nightshift - the king position for a stripclub dejay. I would be making over 2k a month for working only 14 hours a week, but just as soon as they told me that, they were all fired for embezzlement. Corporate sent down some asshole accountant to clean up the books. He decided he liked the club (the girls in particular) and wanted to manage it as well. He also went out of his way to let me know that I didn't belong there and that my days were numbered. He was going to take over the club soon and that would be 'the end' for me. He even followed me into the restroom once to let me know he didn't like me - while I was urinating - so the guy was insatiable.

The night 'The Wiz' (yea, that's what he called himself, can you belive that shit?!) took over the club, It was about 9:00pm and I was just finishing up my shift. I was working on a Big Gulp of vodka and cranberry too. I hadn't finished it yet, but I was about to... The Wiz walked into the dejay booth and asked some young serf to "please leave," then he turned to me, pointed a finger and said "get out of here." At that point, I figured it was all but over, so I took a moment to candidly tell him that he was "not a professional." Particularly the part where he would shack up in the V.I.P with a dancer for an hour at a time, screwing up the rotation to the stage in the process. He said to me "you're fired" and proceeded to harass the head dejay 'Mike' for coming in late for his shift. I guess he thought we were through with our conversation, but I felt differently: I took my vodka and cranberry big gulp and I threw it on his face. The juice, the ice cubes, the vodka and all, went splashing off his face and dripping down his nice silk suit and tie. He must not have appreciated the comedic value in that because he ran at me and caught me in the jaw with a right hook. I returned the favor with four or five lefts and rights that made his head ping-pong back and forth from my fists to the backwall of the dejay booth. Kenny, the assistant manger, pushed me down a flight of stairs. I ended up at the bottom of the stairs on my feet, but confused about how I'd arrived there - it all happened so fast, and I'd been drinking all day - Santino walked up and asked "what's going on up there?" I said "I don't know," then I walked outside, got in my car and drove home. So ended my career as a strip club dejay.

"The Wiz" was fired a few weeks later - for sexually harassing the dancers and for choking Mike - the head dejay of 12 years. I  moved to Thailand the next year to be an English teacher. Santino was offered a managerial position with the club, but instead quit abruptly and flew out to Bangkok. We met up and flew up to Chiang Mai to party for a few days. The darkness was finally over with for the both of us...

Bye Bye Bandar... (Adios Ahmed)

Well this has been a difficult 4 months. I did my best but I guess that wasn't good enough for these people. Or at least not good enough for the fuckin' prick school manager. I'd imagine he went out of his way to tell me that I wouldn't be invited back because I went on a field trip with the students without asking first. Oh well, they wanted to go and the curriculum clearly states that the students should "be allowed to create their own learning experiences" - hence the field trip.

I gotta say I am glad as fuckin' all hell that I didn't sign a year long contract. This Sharia law bullshit is not for me. No pussy, no beer, no discos no movie theaters - I don't know why I thought I would be able to do this for long enough to buy a house in a few years. That was the original plan - not anymore. Back to the ol' drawing board I suppose. Still, it wasn't all bad, I think my teaching improved some, and in a couple hours I am headed to the airport with 12 grand in my pocket for a one-way flight back to Bangkok. Anna awaits, and I can't wait for my little Anna. By the time you read this I'll be gone, so bye bye Bandar...

Adios Ahmed.

Red Lights & Red Lingerie (Somewhere In Bangkok)

Are you ok? Where are you?


Hi baby i fine. So now i at school. How are you?


Baby I'm at school teaching. No camera. (Skype)
I miss you.
Are you there?


Yes baby...


What are you learning today?


About +verb in -after thank you.


Oh, verb+ing?
running
jumping
hiding, seeking?
Present continuous.


Baby possesive adjective + noun


Oh, ok.


What you doing now?
Baby 24 day
I miss you


23 days


Really baby?


I think so, let me check...
Yea I will be back the night of the 23rd day


Baby I see you in my dream
last night


Oh! What did we do?


Baby I don't know but I think good.
My dream short.


I can't wait to buy you high heels and jewelry and make you pretty all over.



Thank you baby
I miss you so much



Me too



Baby I can't wait for you to come see me. I want you to buy high heels for me. What color do you like red or black? What jewelry do you like? I want to be beautiful only for you.



Red...



Baby we go shopping together, you choose red high heels for me to wear only for you. Do you like me to wear red or black stocking for you? Come quickly to baby



Yes, red stockings
and lingerie



Baby do you like g-string or french style lace? I wear only for you



Gstring is sexy...
I like lace too though
Gstring for Friday & Saturday



Baby or Sunday to Thursday French style?



Yes
You are so sexy baby
I remember when I first saw you in your purple lingerie
and that leopard print negligee




Baby I will be your fantasy only for you



Yes baby
I want you to be my fantasy girl
but I also want to really be with you
to be in love...



Baby yes, I can't do this for you if I don't love you. I want to be with you for love



I can't wait to be with you again
sad without you



Same same baby...



You make me happy



I will make you more happy when I fantasy dress for you...



Yes!

What Do You Think Of Osama Bin Laden?

So far, I've been here in Saudi Arabia for the conviction of Hosni Mubarik and the death of Prince Naif. I've been privileged to some insights into the Saudi mind-state. The other day we were watching a documentary on Iraq and the students told me that Saddam Hussein was "a good man." I was immediately intrigued by this because they had earlier said that Egypt's Mubarik was "bad," in fact they were all quite disappointed he didn't get the death penalty - we watched the sentencing live in class on Al Jazeera.com.

"Saddam Hussein good" I said, "but Mubarik bad?" I asked

"Yes, yes" they answered. And then one of them said "Osama Bin Laden..."

"Osama Bin Laden was good?" I asked, testing the waters...

"Yes, Osama Bin Laden was a good man" they responded...

"Why?" - I had to know...

"Because Afghanistan." their overwhelming response.

"Oh, o.k." I replied.

"Eleven, September" one of them said.

"Osama Bin Laden was a good man for that?!" I asked

"No, no, no!" They replied, but he was a good man though - according to them. I suddenly felt a bit awkward in a room full of young Saudi males, who honestly believed that Osama Bin Laden was a "good man" for any reason, with September 11th not being one of those reasons probably only because I was in the room. I've gone out to lunch with these guys, we've drove down numerous empty, deserted Saudi alleyways on our way to and from the restaurant - and they wait until now to tell me that they are the living breathing sons of Bin Laden. Quite a few of them already have brothers living in the U.S. too. Should I contact someone about this? Maybe I would if I didn't already know that 9/11 was an inside job, and there are precisely as many Bin Laden loving Saudis living in America as the U.S. Government wants there to be.

"Osama my brother, Saddam my brother, Mubarik my brother" one of them said to me - their Arabic pride and nationalism in manifest - and later smiling "Hey teacher, do you like Jews? What do you think of Osama Bin Laden?"

The Real Thing...

Well it's been a little over two months since I left the land of smiles for a teaching gig at a technical college in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia. I can honestly say it's been a whole lot better than I thought it would be, but only because I honestly thought that I might be kidnapped and decapitated soon after the plane landed - that didn't happen - hopefully that type of good luck will continue for the next six weeks and two days. Yes that's correct, I am so bored out of my mind out here that I am counting down the days like an inmate.

The other day, a guy said to me "so what made you want to come to Saudi?"

"Oh, well you know, I always wanted to..."

"Live in a prison?" -he finished my sentence for me, although that wasn't what I was going to say.

It's basically the same shit different country (with less whiskey and more money) my students are pretty cool kids - I teach two conversational English classes to young men in their early twenties; they mostly sneak peeks at their cell phones or sleep in class - so they're only human. The boss is a short, fat, bald, faggot piece of shit. In fact, he's already gone out of his way to tell me I'm not welcome back here next year - not that I was even interested - I guess he just really wanted me to know...The only thing I really have to look forward to in life right now (besides payday) is Anna, back in Bangkok - we've stayed in touch all this time - I first emailed her when I was in Bahrain waiting for my visa, she emailed me back and we've become close. About a month ago she asked me for my Skype address. I figured she was probably just going to ask me for some money, but she never did. She just wanted to see me. She's so beautiful, when I get back to Bangkok, my lovely Anna and I are going island hopping all over southern Thailand. It's going to be the vacation with a pretty girl that I've never had before - I'm really looking forward to it - to turning the fantasy that Anna and I have created into the real thing...